E-mail Advice- "I'm anal repellant"

Dear Poetiq,

My boyfriend just told me that he wants to have sex with me up the anus. I don’t like that type of sex because it hurts. He threatened me and said that he wouldn’t want to cheat on me. What is that? Am I supposed to loose the men I love or have totally unpleasurable pain because he wants to screw me like some Tits and Cocks porno star?

Anal Repellant
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Repellant,

LOL. I had to laugh for about ten minutes at this email. Don’t get my laughter confused with me not thinking your situation is important. This is where the saying goes: “What you’re not fulfilling, another woman is willing.” Is it not your job to please your mate? Conversely, I’d hate for you to be in pain because that is what he likes. If it is a pain that can be lived through momentarily, then yes, go for it. But if you convulse with sobs every time you and your boyfriend perform this act, then I’m sorry to say, you have to let it go.

Attraction is very important in a relationship and I could not blame him for wanted to be aroused in a certain way. This is nature of men- and all human, for that matter. You have to make a choice, Anal Repellant. You must decide on staying in pain, or leaving. The choice is all yours. But in making that choice, talk to him and ask him if your relationship is reduced to anal intercourse.

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

E-mail Opinion- "Another deep discussion..."

Dear Poetiq,

By now, you know that my single girlfriends and I are scholars of sorts. We are ever searching for understanding...or really just how to maximize our smashing good looks before we get fat and ugly. Deep down inside, we are really very shallow. I have withheld all names to protect the slutty.

The topic of last night's discussion was the number of men it takes to satisfy our needs. It seems that we can never find one man who covers all of the things that are the most important to us (like sex and world peace and stuff). One man will be fabulous for adventure and travel, another will be the best secret holder, one will give a great massage, another will have a pizza delivered just to be nice, some are good for gifts, some are good for sex, some will let you drive his really, really nice car. Some write poetry, some will cook for you, some make you feel beautiful, brilliant, sexy...

We concluded that three men is the ideal number.

1. The One to F*ck.
2. The One to Cuddle.
3. The One to Pay the Bills.

Admittedly, juggling three men can be difficult to manage; and at times the number of men carried will have to be reduced to two for sanity's sake. Herein lies the dilemma.

Whom should one put on hold?

Scenario 1: Drop The One to F*ck.

Problem: Lack of sex makes us cranky, risking a blow up with The One to Pay the Bills. Worse, in a moment of weakness and desperation, a girl could find herself sleeping with The One to Cuddle. Thereby, making him now The One to F*ck although he will still expect cuddling. Naturally, he's The One to Cuddle because he's very sensitive meaning that sex will turn this relationship upside down. Many feelings will be hurt.

Scenario 2: Drop The One to Cuddle.

Problem: Affection is important. Some days, a girl just needs to sit in a warm lap. Sitting in the lap of The One to Pay the Bills gives him false expectations about his role in the relationship. He becomes nurturing instead of simply signing checks. Each transaction, now feels like talking to your parents and asking for your allowance. Demanding snuggling and spooning from The One to F*ck will run him off and then there will be no one to f*ck.

Scenario 3: Drop The One to Pay the Bills.

This is scenario is simply too ridiculous and improbable to discus. Even for the sake of argument.

Perhaps you can create some sort of matrix to help us to make our decisions.

As always, thank you for your insight.

Mist 1

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I thought this was an excellent email. Though I didn’t feel the need to give advice on this, I still was compelled to post it. It seemed like such a different approach on a non-monogamous relationship. This intensifies the logic of not relying on one particular person to fulfill a need. It’s almost like not setting one’s self up for failure.

You guys have heard it from me, Mist 1, new voice, look into it!

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

My Wonderful Weekend With Zodiac Booty Humper and Friends

When you find out that your friend is having an affair with his girl's sister, what do you do? This situation becomes as sticky as superglue because you and your friend's girlfriend are closer than siamese twins. A choice must be made. That choice is: Never befriend both boyfriend and girlfriend. It leads to trouble.

A friend of mine, let's call him Zodiac Booty Humper, has decided to have an affair on his girlfriend of 4 years. We'll call her Snake in the Grass Hidden. What makes the plot thicken is that fact that Snake in the Grass Hidden tried to sex yours truly up just a few months ago. I should have told Zodiac Booty Humper, but I feared for their relationship. They have... Had some good stuff there.

When I asked her why she was trying to cheat on her boyfriend, with his friend, no doubt, she told me, "That's just me."

What provokes an individual to go to such lengths to receive pleasure? In this modern day and age it seems like Americans have lost control of wants and needs. When we can have out cake and eat it as well, when is enough enough?

Yesterday, while eating lunch with Snake in the Grass Hidden's sister, Dragon Breath Bimbo, I told her that Zodiac Booty Humper was going to bump her to the side for Snake in the Grass Hidden. Of course, that was a lie, but I had a whole plan mapped out. Surely it would go well. I mean, everyone else is lying, how could anyone get upset?

Dragon Breath Bimbo immediately ran to Zodiac Booty Humper to voice her distress and confront him on his awful decision. At the same time this was going on, I called Snake in the Grass Hidden and told her that Zodiac Booty Humper couldn't reach her and needed her to come to his apartment immediately.

What Snake in the Grass and Dragon Breath Bimbo didn't know was that I'd spoken to Zodiac Booty Humper earlier that week and explained my plan. I whispered a few facts in his ear and told him to expect the ambush.

Naturally, my name was brought up when they all arrived on the spot. They called me and put me on speaker phone. The women just knew I was up to something and wanted to expose me to spare their own asses, yet they were trying to rip Zodiac Booty Humper's ass simultaneously.

When I got on the phone I let all of the information rip. I mentioned to Snake in the Grass Hidden that while her offer to screw her brains out would have been tempting, I didn't want to betray our friendship or my friend's relationship.

Silence was a new character in this story. I'd outted everything and felt extremely well about. Then I said, "If anyone has a problem with what's happened today, I suggest they speak up. Otherwise, stop lying. Be in a relationship or get the fuck out of it."

When Snake in the Grass Hidden asked me why I'd gone through all the trouble to stop the "affairs," and lying, I said, "That's just me."

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

Which Came First: Money or Sex

I wrote on a previous blog about splogging and, somehow the comments lead down a path of logic which states: Money is the root of all evil. Later that transformed into: Pussy and Money are the causes of death, greed, theft, lies and war.

The women who spoke on this topic agreed that each one is tied into another. For example, a man will go out on a strip in search of some poon-tang. The prostitute is looking for money in exchange for sex while the guy is looking for sex in exchange for money. There isn’t one thing that solely fuels this behavior; it’s all multiple conduits to a guilty pleasure or “sin.”

Which came first, the pussy or the money? History tells us (from a Christian background) that Eve first shared a fruit from the tree of life with Adam. After they shared this “fruit”- to my knowledge- they started banging and screwing like rabbits on Viagra. No one fully knows what the fruit was, but I believe it was a metaphor for knowledge of life, sex, and sin. We are all sinners, the Bible tells us, but at that point Adam and Eve didn’t know they were sinners, correct? So, how could Eve seek knowledge of something she had no clue existed unless she was searching for it?

This leads us down many paths towards many subjects, many arguments and many conclusions, but the main question is: Could money exist without sex, and could sex exist without money (money being a symbolism for any materialistic want or need)? Get back to me on this with a comment or e-mail.

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

E-Mail Advice/Opinion- "Kissing/Sex"

Poetiq,

I assume that by putting the word sex in the subject of this email, that you will either 1.) turn out the lights and read it in private, or 2.) mark it as spam.

Assuming that it's the former...

A friend and I were talking about kissing and sex the other night. I wish that I could say that were were kissing and having sex, but I am inexperienced with women and didn't know how to make the first move...I digress.

The topic of conversation was which is worse...bad kissing or bad sex?

We disagreed.

The following arguments will be presented without names as I am sure that you will favor me unfairly. Wouldn't you? That's what I thought. Okay, then.

Arguement 1: Bad kissing is worse.
Support: Kissing can occur at any time. It is spontaneous and generally acceptable in public. Kissing is more important because there is more opportunity for kissing to occur. Kissing is romantic. Kisses speak volumes about feelings. Kissing is the way we romantically/sexually connect with people.

Arguement 2: Bad sex is worse.
Support: Bad sex is a waste of time. Sex is essential, while kissing is just obligatory or used as a social greeting/farewell. Bad sex leaves all parties uncomfortable and sweaty as opposed to just uncomfortable as in bad kissing and sweaty is bad. Bad kissing has no excuse, but bad sex can be made up for with gifts such as shoes and such.

Again, I want you to remain impartial. But, I need to know that I am right here.

Thanks for your help.

By the way, what are your credentials anyway?

--
Mist 1
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Mist 1,

I love a well thought-out argument on the subject of sex. This topic lends a hand to so many intended puns, jokes, remarks, and humorous events. Yet, when it comes to the subject of which is worst: bad kissing or bad sex? I'd say that my choice would be bad sex.

Reason

The reason why I choose bad sex is because, like you said, kissing can be spontaneously done in public. A man kisses a girl horribly, he can assess the situation, gather up his balls and try again. In the event you have a man who can only pump one out and he's finished, well, you have to try some other time.

You ever notice how a bad kiss can still lead to another date, which could, in fact, be a great date? But have bad sex and the situation becomes awkward. Plus sex leads to all types of uncontrolled emotions. Two friends can kiss and the fire still burns, if it's a great kiss. Two friends can have sex- bad sex at that- and it leads them to feel way too open and vulnerable. They feel like it was a mistake and they could have jeopardized the friendship because of succumbing to lust.

Conclusion

In the end, I'd choose a bad kiss over a bad fu*k any day. We can salvage a friendship after a kiss. But after a sexual encounter gone awry, that's risky busy. Bad sex can cause a relationship to sink like a boat filled with seamen... no pun intended, of course.

Credentials

I've been blogging for about two years. This was the only time I decided to get paid for it. LOL. I also write for a local newspaper. I write about love, relationships, spirituality and religion. I am trying to convince those guys that my own column would be the best thing since sliced bread. But readers are happy with what I shit out now. So I say, "If it aint broke, don't fix it." How do you feel about it? I also went to an arts-based high-school with a focus on analysis, small studies in psychology and I'm a natural-born philosopher. Went to college to take Music Business Managment- far from these subjects, huh? Realized writing and relationship issues are my joy and decided to take Journalism and Creative Writing in college. I learn as much as possible about relationship issues, sex and dating. I've seen a lot and share a lot. But most importantly, I love to receive information as well.

P.S. I love your blog. I read it religiously now. You have inspired me to become way more opinionated with my writing. Thanks for blessing my page with your thoughts (I'm glad someone is. LOL).

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

Creativity. Where Did It Go?

I have the worst writer's block you could think of. I had 5 articles to pump out this weekend and when I finally approached the final article, my brain went blank. It's like all thought, creativity and drive flew the co-op or something. Where did it all go?

As I sit here typing away, I ask myself, "Why didn't you take a pee when you were at the house?" I say this because I'm doing the pee-pee dance on a stoll at the university library. Yes, how pathetic. I'm doing the pee-pee dance with an empty brain and balled up words, metaphors, prose, verbs, nouns, adjectives and may other writer's tools wanting to be used, but unfortunately are not being used (what a long ass sentence?).

Creativity.

That's the key to keeping any good "thing" strong and prosperous. How many people do you know give up on an idea or an individual because they got bored all of a sudden? Wouldn't it be easier to find a way to bring passion back into the relationship? I'm like, if you're bored with ballet dancing, take up break dancing; If you hate writing poems, write a short story; and if you're bored with your mate, find a way to bring back the romance that sparked the flame in your belly and made you fall in love in the first place (another long ass sentence, huh?).

Creativity.

I do need to find it.

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

Drumroll, Please... Why I Never Called Back After Wonderful Date

Most of you know that I have been posting interviews on the subject of men not calling women back after a wonderful first date. I can honestly say that I've contributed to this monstrosity. Ladies, before you go throwing tomatoes at me, let me explain.

When I was about 17 (young, fresh and stupid) I went out on a date with Charlene Brady. I thought she was the finest thing since sliced bread. Of course, I thought her to be miles and miles away from my social caste and decided that I wouldn't pursue her at first.

During our first encounters, we never spoke to one another. We would throw a polite smile at one another during school, but that's about it. Over time the word got out that I liked her and she found out, liked me and decided to ask ME out. The only problem was by the time she wanted to go out I was over the whole girly-made-up look and onto Kiesha Paine, who was more down to earth, showing natural beauty.

Be it me not to disappoint, I agreed to go out on the date so she wouldn't feel less attractive. We had the best time of our lives, it seemed. We laughed, talked, played and flirted from time to time. Out of habit, and natural friendliness, I told her I'd give her a call. When I got home, I realized that we were from totally different sides of the tracks. In school she would be miss high prissy face and I would remain the sexy, not-so-popular TJS (Terry J. Snipes). I never called back. Now, ladies what do you have to comment on? (I will brace myself)

Why Men Don't Call Back After A Wonderful Date- Part 4

We've approached the very last interview in this series. I apologize for the tension that surrounds this last interview. I do not like when people try and throw ass backwards psychology at me in order to justify something that only needs the truth said. If I ask you, "Did you drink my pop?" And you say, "Have you ever drank someone's juice because you didn't know it was theirs?" Then that leaves you open for whip lashes from my tongue. But I am very excited that the young man participated in this very last interview.

Below, I have posted the fourth and last interview:

Jason Jones is a 43 year old construction worker. I give him lots of thanks for taking the time out of his busy schedule to participate in this interview.

Guru Reporter- Hey, J.J.

Jason Jones- Hey, Terry.

GR- You are the very last interview that I am conducting on this subject. So, to a certain extent, you are the most important interview.

JJ- I wouldn't say all that. But we are going to have to speed things along.

GR- I understand. So why don't you call women back when you say you will?

JJ- You don't waste any time do you?

GR- We're losing time with you answering my questions with a question, homie. So why don't you just answer the question, please. (laugh)

JJ- Well, I don't call them because I don't like them. There is no other reason why I wouldn't call a girl back unless I didn't like her.

GR- Why tell them that you will call them back when you know you have no plans on calling them back?

JJ- I just tell them what they want to hear. Come on now, I'd hate to tell them that on the date and have them trippin' on me.

GR- That still doesn't explain why your ass lies. Why not be a man and just tell the truth?

JJ- What's the difference between truth and a lie?

GR- One isn't true.

JJ- Exactly. What's the difference between hiding the truth and a lie?

GR- There is no difference. It's the same thing.

JJ- Exactly. How many people do you know hide the truth? When a chick knows she wants to look for her future husband yet she lies and says she isn't looking for anything too serious, she lied. So why aren't we going crazy on those girls and saying that they lied?

GR- You can't fool me with that fake ass, backwards psychology. You lied and that's the whole damn point of this interview. You are on the stand right now. You are being judged, not females who feel like they have to reserve their feelings so a man wont run away.

JJ- You're taking their side! No! (laugh)

GR- It's not about sides, Jason. The whole point of the interview is asking why YOU don't call women back after you say you will. Meaning: why do you lie?

JJ- Well...

GR- Don't think of a lie! (laugh)

JJ- (laugh) Don't be actin' like you know me.

GR- When people show you who they are... believe them. You've showed me you're a lying, fake psychologist.

JJ- It's like that, Terry?

GR- It's however you think it is. I might be a kind guy, but I don't accept BS when it comes to my interviews. Don't think you can pull the wool over my eyes.

JJ- Okay. I do lie. It's only because I like to see a woman happy and all over me. When I leave at the end of the date I know good and damn well I wont be calling her ass back. But I like that I made her happy at least for a night.

GR- And little do you know you've made her life harder wondering if you'll call.

JJ- That's a woman's problem. Don't think too hard about it. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't.

GR- You do have a point there, sir.

JJ- You damn right.

GR- Thanks for participating in this interview. I'll let you get back to making your money.

I would like to thank Jason for participating in this interview. He was a very good sport. I must admit, I did kinda' tongue-lash him because he rushed our interview before it even started and then tried to use some twisted psychology on me. But I hope all of my readers and newcomers have learned a little from these interviews. Feel free to comment on the others if you'd like.

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

Check out the other posts:

Why Men Don't Call Back After A Wonderful Date- Part 3

Why Men Don't Call Back After A Wonderful Date- Part 2

Why Men Don't Call Back After A Wonderful Date- Part 1

Is Pity Sometimes A Ploy for Self Worth?

Ladies and gentlemen, I must admit, for a period of time I couldn’t stop putting up those damned numbered post. You know what I’m talking about:

10 Ways to Get Rid of Crabs:

1. Stop having sex
2. Eat more spaghetti

You get where I’m going with this. I have not written a post that explained my opinions and, sometimes, sensitive feelings. Where does this post plan on taking my faithful and newcomer readers? I have not a damn clue. I just figured it was time for me to vent somewhat and give you love/relationship seekers a piece of me. A deep, dark, nasty piece of me… Wait, that sounds kinda porn-ish. Please, continue reading.

Today I thought about my ex. She was the first woman who I ever loved and I sometimes find it hard to forget about her. Don’t get it twisted, we broke up for a reason, that reason is justified and I have no regrets. Yet, I think about her all of the time. She has gone through a lot of BS with her baby’s daddy. I can’t get into what happened, but if she didn’t know how to fight before she met his ass, she does now.

My question (and you guys know I almost always ask a question in my posts) is: Does everyone think about their ex’s just once months after the relationship ties have been severed? And when your new “friend” is in the picture, do you think it would hurt them because you thought about your “old” friend? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I asked my new friend.

“C**, how would you feel if I told you that I’ve been thinking about “*e** lately?” My girl looked me in the face and said, “as long as you don’t kiss, screw or perform falettio on the bitch, I’m cool.” What a girl. Huh? I went on to tell her that it’s not a sexual or even romantic thinking I’m going through in regards to her (my ex), it’s a fear factor. My ex and I planned so many great things in our future and now it seems as if she has accomplished being a mother with ADD instead of a naïve teenager with ADD. Is it safe to say that I pity her sometimes? To me that seems as if I pity her because consciously I believe I’m doing better. STOP! Wait! HOLD UP! I never want to come across as cocky, arrogant, conceited or filled with vanity, but it seems like that’s what this situation is leading to.

End Question: How can you think about your ex with fear and sadness with out having pity on them? And if you do have pity on them, does that make you an assuming, GREATER THAN THOU prick?

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

Introduction of TD.GAD.AY!

TD.GAD.AY was established some few months ago. My professional presentiment tells me that I should have remembered the exact date, but no one really gives a damn about that sort of stuff.

You’ll ask yourself: what does TD.GAD.AY stand for?

Well, when its discreditable acronym is broken down, it stands for

• T hey
• D on't
• G ive
• .
• A
• D amn
• .
• A bout
• Y ou
  

The logic of it might seem harsh in the beginning, but take a few breaths, dry your eyes and wake up to the reality of the REAL WORLD. No, it’s not me being overly cynical (Trust! I’ve seen some cynical ass people), but rather realistic.

Cynical Comment: That man is full of shit. I don’t know him, and I’ve heard anything about him, or spoken to him, but he’s full of shit.

Realistic Comment: That guy’s breath smells like open camel mouth with melted cheese inside of it.

Try to apply this doctrine to your life. Say it with me, Gadies and Lentlemen…

TD.GAD.AY!