Monday, November 13, 2006

My Wonderful Weekend With Zodiac Booty Humper and Friends

When you find out that your friend is having an affair with his girl's sister, what do you do? This situation becomes as sticky as superglue because you and your friend's girlfriend are closer than siamese twins. A choice must be made. That choice is: Never befriend both boyfriend and girlfriend. It leads to trouble.

A friend of mine, let's call him Zodiac Booty Humper, has decided to have an affair on his girlfriend of 4 years. We'll call her Snake in the Grass Hidden. What makes the plot thicken is that fact that Snake in the Grass Hidden tried to sex yours truly up just a few months ago. I should have told Zodiac Booty Humper, but I feared for their relationship. They have... Had some good stuff there.

When I asked her why she was trying to cheat on her boyfriend, with his friend, no doubt, she told me, "That's just me."

What provokes an individual to go to such lengths to receive pleasure? In this modern day and age it seems like Americans have lost control of wants and needs. When we can have out cake and eat it as well, when is enough enough?

Yesterday, while eating lunch with Snake in the Grass Hidden's sister, Dragon Breath Bimbo, I told her that Zodiac Booty Humper was going to bump her to the side for Snake in the Grass Hidden. Of course, that was a lie, but I had a whole plan mapped out. Surely it would go well. I mean, everyone else is lying, how could anyone get upset?

Dragon Breath Bimbo immediately ran to Zodiac Booty Humper to voice her distress and confront him on his awful decision. At the same time this was going on, I called Snake in the Grass Hidden and told her that Zodiac Booty Humper couldn't reach her and needed her to come to his apartment immediately.

What Snake in the Grass and Dragon Breath Bimbo didn't know was that I'd spoken to Zodiac Booty Humper earlier that week and explained my plan. I whispered a few facts in his ear and told him to expect the ambush.

Naturally, my name was brought up when they all arrived on the spot. They called me and put me on speaker phone. The women just knew I was up to something and wanted to expose me to spare their own asses, yet they were trying to rip Zodiac Booty Humper's ass simultaneously.

When I got on the phone I let all of the information rip. I mentioned to Snake in the Grass Hidden that while her offer to screw her brains out would have been tempting, I didn't want to betray our friendship or my friend's relationship.

Silence was a new character in this story. I'd outted everything and felt extremely well about. Then I said, "If anyone has a problem with what's happened today, I suggest they speak up. Otherwise, stop lying. Be in a relationship or get the fuck out of it."

When Snake in the Grass Hidden asked me why I'd gone through all the trouble to stop the "affairs," and lying, I said, "That's just me."

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on!


mist1 said...

I have my own version of "That's just me," I prefer to say, "It's sort of my thing," or "It's what I do."

Poetiq Expression said...

I love those types of things. I just makes a person seem more grounded in who they are.