Sunday, August 27, 2006

The Subject of Domestic Violence

Many people will see a woman ( or have a friend) come in to work with large sunglasses on. The sky is gray and the weather doesn't warrant shading of any sun from the eyes. Co-workers look at her like, "this bitch is a diva!" or "She's crazy!" But what they don't realize, until the head manager tells her to 86 the shades, that she has a black eye.

People will question, why in the hell does she stay with a guy who beats her. Well, an empirical test of traumatic bonding theory, the notion that strong emotional attachments are formed by intermittent abuse, was reported by many doctors. You think to yourself, THIS DOESN'T SEEM POSSIBLE! Then you tell yourself, IF ANY MAN HIT ME HE'D BE TAKING A LONG RIDE TO THE MORGUE IN A HEARSE!

Yet, In-depth assessments (interviews plus questionnaires) were conducted on 75 women who had recently left abusive relationships, 50 where physical violence had occurred. The study found support for the effect of relationship dynamic factors such as extremity of intermittent maltreatment and power differentials on long-term felt attachment for a former partner, experienced trauma symptoms, and self-esteem, immediately after separation from an abusive partner and again after a six month interim.

But the main question that surrounds this blog entry is: How does one get away from the abusive relationship?

Battered women usually undergo several shifts in their thinking about the abuse before leaving permanently. A stress-process framework is used to explain the seemingly paradoxical finding that some women just out of the abusive relationship may have greater psychological difficulties than those who are still in it. Think about it. If all you know is pain caused by the hands of a misogynistic, drunk or mentally deranged man, you don't know quit how to live without it. And for those experiencing the most stress, psychological health can worsen over time. Society, researchers and doctors need to pay more attention to the plight of women who have left abusive partners.

I personally believe if a woman gets enough of getting the crap beat out of her, she'll leave. But there in lies the problem. What if she wants to leave and is too scared? Do we leave this woman in this situation and wait for her to be severely beaten or killed?

There are plenty of avenues for battered women to turn to. But I must say, and this may cause problems, woman who are ready to come out of the situation, will. Those women who are not sure of feel as though they "love" they man that is beating them will keep running back to him constantly because she believe that is the only place for her to go. God forbid there are children involved.

The truth is that women need to develop the nerve to leave on their own. Just the same as a drug addict going to rehab. You can spend tons of money in a place like that but if that person is not yet ready to stop then they will keep looking for the drugs. This is a sad thing to say, and I'm not writing this post as a doctor. I am writing this post as a man who has had friends in abusive relationships. It's best to wait until she is fed up, then help her. It might seem like negligence, but it aint. She will continue to go back to the same bullshit(if she's not ready to end it) until she dies or is put in the hospital. Sometimes, the hardest way is the best.

Woman who are experiencing physical or mental abuse from your mate, please click on the link below to get more information and help. If you know of someone who is going through this, please direct them towards the light by clicking Abused Adult Resource Center. Much love, peace and empathy to all.

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Asia said...

Thank you for posting this knowledgeable, sincere, and adept post about the struggles of woman in and freshly out of abusive relationships. It is very difficult for people to deduce reasons as to why women have gone through this. They always simple ask, "why don't they just leave?" This is question is not easily answered. I also believe that a person ignorant enough to judge women who have beaten by men in their lives is insensitive and doomed to live a life with eyes veiled behind a society so quick to cover up the seriousness of the subject.

This post will open lots of people eyes and I am so glad and excited that you've wrote. Terry Snipes, thank you. And tell the friends that you have who've gone through this that it gets better. Trust me, I know.

Grace said...

It hurts the hell out of me to see women have to go through this. People always like to make assumption as to how easy it is to escape an abusive mate. Well, I say, honey, you don't know so shut your damn mouth!

Anonymous said...

Women need to be beaten. Sometime they act like children. When my lover died by the hands of his wife and her crazy spells I knew that he should have beat her everyday. Maybe he would be here now. Now, I know she beat him because he was dating me. Who the hell cares? I'm like, your husband was a fudge packer! Get over it. Don't kill him. If I knew where she was I'd beat her ass.

Moosha said...

How the hell could you say something so ignorant you dumb prick. Maybe youre mad bcuz your b-friend beat your ass up you sissy fag!

Poetiq Expression said...

I do believe it's very wrong and childish to reprimand someone for their ignorance and you turn around and call them a sissy fag. Moosha, you've pretty much stooped down to his level.

This anonymous individual is feeling hurt because his lover died at the hands of his wife. I can't say I fully agree with their relationship or the action of the man's wife, but I know he has some mental problems that need to be worked out.

Mr. Anonymous who wrote the post about woman being beat, please feel free to email me at so that we can talk about what it is you are feeling and how you can get some help for it. Though bad things happen life does get better. Love, peace and empathy to all.

Terry J. Snipes