Advice In the Form of a Rant

As always, If you are offended by any foul language hidden and sticking out through my post, I apologize for you having to get the hell over it.

The Post

I was sitting around talking with a friend of mine. Her name is Jessica. Jessica feels like she is overweight. Don’t get it twisted, she is not the size of Lindsey Lohan after Mean Girls, but she has a very nice shape. She looks like Star Jones circa de suction.

She sat her silly ass there complaining about a guy not liking her and her feeling like she should just kill herself. And the woman wasn’t playing. What follows are the words (some paraphrased) I told my friend and the words I’ll tell all of you.

The Words

I don’t care what’s wrong with you or how fucked up you think you are, somebody loves you! Don’t hide the things that make you you. And if you don’t like something about yourself – something that could be changed- change it for God’s sake. Stop complaining about it.

If you’re buck-tooth, chick, relax! Work hard to get those braces. If not, there’s a man on the Internet who doesn’t want anything less than a chick who can bite an apple through a picket fence.

Ladies, stop disrespecting yourself. Know that you are beautiful, magical, magnificent, and unique. Don’t try and have what those woman have in the magazines and in the videos. A lot of them are not happy while most of them are not real! Some women buy breasts. Why buy breasts when you have socks at home?LOL These model women go to the hospital for exhaustion. A real woman is made of stronger qualities than these built women. Ya’ll know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. I know women who have 2 jobs, six kids and no man. Shit, she’s got too much to do. She’s got PTA meetings, after school functions, football practice, and white water rafting. Whatever! Man, is she exhausted! But she’s not going to the hospital for it. Hell, she can’t. Who’s going to watch the damn kids when she’s gone?! In the real world, real woman take fuckin’ naps.

Please, don’t listen to men who talk crap about your flaws when they have flaws themselves. Don’t listen to people who open their damn mouths. Their teeth are all fucked up, they say hello and tools come out. Those mother fucking people can walk into Sears and put Black & Decker’s ass out of business! They have no room to talk. So, why get all uptight about the words that come out of their boo-boo lips?

Do you realize how wonderful science is becoming? They are making pills to improve everything. Things like that make individuals unique. Those things are a rather large nose. Sarah Jessica Parker has a rather large nose, but the woman is hot ass hell, in my opinion. That makes her unique.

People are out here buying Viagra and breast implants instead of working harder on helping Alzheimer disease. Do you realize that we’ll be old with big TITS and DICKS and don’t remember what to do with them?!

That’s the end of my rant. Much love, peace and empathy!