Selling Your Heart on the Street Like A Prosty

If I were a prostitute, I sometimes wonder how much I’d charge. Would I make just enough to get my daily fix of blow, crack, heroine or liquor? Or would I be a classy hoe and charge upwards of $500 per night?

Let’s do the math:

If I charged $500 dollars per night and I slept with six guys that night, I’ll have made $3,000 in one night! Of course, I’d need regulars and they wouldn’t come back every night spending that type of money unless they had some major dough. Well, I’d know my pooh-pooh was fantastic, so I’d make the guy come back more than once a week.

Okay, so we have $3,000 a night so far. Let’s take $1,000 off of each night the next four days, because the regulars aren’t getting into my captivating tunnel of joy. I’ve still made $1,500 dollars a night, times four nights, which gives me a total of $6,000 for those days. Add my regulars back on for Saturday and Sunday and I’ve made $6,000 dollars for those two nights. Now, if we add together all the nights, I’ve made a total of $15,000 in a week! Talk about easy money.

But when it comes to matters of the heart, I feel we can’t be promiscuous with it, just like we morally can’t be hoes with our bodies. If you think about it, multiple relationships can lead to great sex, good kisses, fun times, money (if you’re a gold digger), and slight bliss, yet when your heart is laid on the line, it doesn’t seem like much fun. Just like I’m sure laying your cooch or Johnson on the line isn’t fun either.

So why can men prostitute their emotions for momentary sexual bliss? It’s because their heart’s not in from the jump. Yes, ladies you’ve been fooled. Most men go into a relationship with physical qualities analyzed and they are in hunting mode. Lots of women go into relationships with an open heart. They start off vulnerable and ready to commit. This is the reason why most men can go through relationship after relationship without being burned, while women come out on the other end with third degree burns.

The Question

If we could prostitute our hearts like we do our bodies, would it be worth the moral scarring? After a while, would your heart fall for the women or man you are emotionally screwing? And if you successfully prostitute a million dollars worth of lessons, sex, good times and money, in the end, is it valuable enough?

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

Irony Overly Perceptible 'Cuz of Dumb Ass Choices

Some people make the dumbest decisions (myself included). I’ve never known why DUMBFUCK (a low-life cashier for McDonalds who’s working part-time and living off of his girl) would, for example, choose to screw around with Carla while his girlfriend, BEAT A BITCH DOWN, is on her lunch break. Of course, this guy chooses to do this shit at his own apartment or home, knowing that BEAT A BITCH DOWN has a key.

Are these common mistakes? No, they are careless mishaps or idiotic mistakes. These all come down to finding out the right choices to make and the right times to make them.

A lot of people don’t realize that- in regards to their goals- they have a path to follow. This path goes straight, yet there are always detours in the road (a pitchfork type of look). These detours teach you something, but they still keep your growth towards reaching the goals at the end of the road stagnant.

Yes, sometimes the disappointment and fear of failing is palpable, but we have to jump in there and go at it. When I was younger I would be afraid to ask my family for food when I was starving at home. I wanted so badly to receive that slow yes instead of that fast no that I was terrified. Keep in mind, people that I’m using the word TERRIFIED. I used it to describe my exact emotion, not to over-exaggerate.

So we must ponder the consequences to the actions in which DUMBFUCK caused. Because of his ill-thought decisions, BEAT A BICTH DOWN broke up with him and married a doctor will benefits (Thank you, God. BLUE CROSS, BLUE SHIELD). If he wouldn’t have tripped up and got caught, BEAT A BITCH DOWN wouldn’t have found a guy who loves her and financially treats her well. Irony to the fullest extent, huh?

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

E-mail Advice- "I'm anal repellant"

Dear Poetiq,

My boyfriend just told me that he wants to have sex with me up the anus. I don’t like that type of sex because it hurts. He threatened me and said that he wouldn’t want to cheat on me. What is that? Am I supposed to loose the men I love or have totally unpleasurable pain because he wants to screw me like some Tits and Cocks porno star?

Anal Repellant
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Repellant,

LOL. I had to laugh for about ten minutes at this email. Don’t get my laughter confused with me not thinking your situation is important. This is where the saying goes: “What you’re not fulfilling, another woman is willing.” Is it not your job to please your mate? Conversely, I’d hate for you to be in pain because that is what he likes. If it is a pain that can be lived through momentarily, then yes, go for it. But if you convulse with sobs every time you and your boyfriend perform this act, then I’m sorry to say, you have to let it go.

Attraction is very important in a relationship and I could not blame him for wanted to be aroused in a certain way. This is nature of men- and all human, for that matter. You have to make a choice, Anal Repellant. You must decide on staying in pain, or leaving. The choice is all yours. But in making that choice, talk to him and ask him if your relationship is reduced to anal intercourse.

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

E-mail Opinion- "Another deep discussion..."

Dear Poetiq,

By now, you know that my single girlfriends and I are scholars of sorts. We are ever searching for understanding...or really just how to maximize our smashing good looks before we get fat and ugly. Deep down inside, we are really very shallow. I have withheld all names to protect the slutty.

The topic of last night's discussion was the number of men it takes to satisfy our needs. It seems that we can never find one man who covers all of the things that are the most important to us (like sex and world peace and stuff). One man will be fabulous for adventure and travel, another will be the best secret holder, one will give a great massage, another will have a pizza delivered just to be nice, some are good for gifts, some are good for sex, some will let you drive his really, really nice car. Some write poetry, some will cook for you, some make you feel beautiful, brilliant, sexy...

We concluded that three men is the ideal number.

1. The One to F*ck.
2. The One to Cuddle.
3. The One to Pay the Bills.

Admittedly, juggling three men can be difficult to manage; and at times the number of men carried will have to be reduced to two for sanity's sake. Herein lies the dilemma.

Whom should one put on hold?

Scenario 1: Drop The One to F*ck.

Problem: Lack of sex makes us cranky, risking a blow up with The One to Pay the Bills. Worse, in a moment of weakness and desperation, a girl could find herself sleeping with The One to Cuddle. Thereby, making him now The One to F*ck although he will still expect cuddling. Naturally, he's The One to Cuddle because he's very sensitive meaning that sex will turn this relationship upside down. Many feelings will be hurt.

Scenario 2: Drop The One to Cuddle.

Problem: Affection is important. Some days, a girl just needs to sit in a warm lap. Sitting in the lap of The One to Pay the Bills gives him false expectations about his role in the relationship. He becomes nurturing instead of simply signing checks. Each transaction, now feels like talking to your parents and asking for your allowance. Demanding snuggling and spooning from The One to F*ck will run him off and then there will be no one to f*ck.

Scenario 3: Drop The One to Pay the Bills.

This is scenario is simply too ridiculous and improbable to discus. Even for the sake of argument.

Perhaps you can create some sort of matrix to help us to make our decisions.

As always, thank you for your insight.

Mist 1

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I thought this was an excellent email. Though I didn’t feel the need to give advice on this, I still was compelled to post it. It seemed like such a different approach on a non-monogamous relationship. This intensifies the logic of not relying on one particular person to fulfill a need. It’s almost like not setting one’s self up for failure.

You guys have heard it from me, Mist 1, new voice, look into it!

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

My Wonderful Weekend With Zodiac Booty Humper and Friends

When you find out that your friend is having an affair with his girl's sister, what do you do? This situation becomes as sticky as superglue because you and your friend's girlfriend are closer than siamese twins. A choice must be made. That choice is: Never befriend both boyfriend and girlfriend. It leads to trouble.

A friend of mine, let's call him Zodiac Booty Humper, has decided to have an affair on his girlfriend of 4 years. We'll call her Snake in the Grass Hidden. What makes the plot thicken is that fact that Snake in the Grass Hidden tried to sex yours truly up just a few months ago. I should have told Zodiac Booty Humper, but I feared for their relationship. They have... Had some good stuff there.

When I asked her why she was trying to cheat on her boyfriend, with his friend, no doubt, she told me, "That's just me."

What provokes an individual to go to such lengths to receive pleasure? In this modern day and age it seems like Americans have lost control of wants and needs. When we can have out cake and eat it as well, when is enough enough?

Yesterday, while eating lunch with Snake in the Grass Hidden's sister, Dragon Breath Bimbo, I told her that Zodiac Booty Humper was going to bump her to the side for Snake in the Grass Hidden. Of course, that was a lie, but I had a whole plan mapped out. Surely it would go well. I mean, everyone else is lying, how could anyone get upset?

Dragon Breath Bimbo immediately ran to Zodiac Booty Humper to voice her distress and confront him on his awful decision. At the same time this was going on, I called Snake in the Grass Hidden and told her that Zodiac Booty Humper couldn't reach her and needed her to come to his apartment immediately.

What Snake in the Grass and Dragon Breath Bimbo didn't know was that I'd spoken to Zodiac Booty Humper earlier that week and explained my plan. I whispered a few facts in his ear and told him to expect the ambush.

Naturally, my name was brought up when they all arrived on the spot. They called me and put me on speaker phone. The women just knew I was up to something and wanted to expose me to spare their own asses, yet they were trying to rip Zodiac Booty Humper's ass simultaneously.

When I got on the phone I let all of the information rip. I mentioned to Snake in the Grass Hidden that while her offer to screw her brains out would have been tempting, I didn't want to betray our friendship or my friend's relationship.

Silence was a new character in this story. I'd outted everything and felt extremely well about. Then I said, "If anyone has a problem with what's happened today, I suggest they speak up. Otherwise, stop lying. Be in a relationship or get the fuck out of it."

When Snake in the Grass Hidden asked me why I'd gone through all the trouble to stop the "affairs," and lying, I said, "That's just me."

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

Which Came First: Money or Sex

I wrote on a previous blog about splogging and, somehow the comments lead down a path of logic which states: Money is the root of all evil. Later that transformed into: Pussy and Money are the causes of death, greed, theft, lies and war.

The women who spoke on this topic agreed that each one is tied into another. For example, a man will go out on a strip in search of some poon-tang. The prostitute is looking for money in exchange for sex while the guy is looking for sex in exchange for money. There isn’t one thing that solely fuels this behavior; it’s all multiple conduits to a guilty pleasure or “sin.”

Which came first, the pussy or the money? History tells us (from a Christian background) that Eve first shared a fruit from the tree of life with Adam. After they shared this “fruit”- to my knowledge- they started banging and screwing like rabbits on Viagra. No one fully knows what the fruit was, but I believe it was a metaphor for knowledge of life, sex, and sin. We are all sinners, the Bible tells us, but at that point Adam and Eve didn’t know they were sinners, correct? So, how could Eve seek knowledge of something she had no clue existed unless she was searching for it?

This leads us down many paths towards many subjects, many arguments and many conclusions, but the main question is: Could money exist without sex, and could sex exist without money (money being a symbolism for any materialistic want or need)? Get back to me on this with a comment or e-mail.

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

E-Mail Advice/Opinion- "Kissing/Sex"

Poetiq,

I assume that by putting the word sex in the subject of this email, that you will either 1.) turn out the lights and read it in private, or 2.) mark it as spam.

Assuming that it's the former...

A friend and I were talking about kissing and sex the other night. I wish that I could say that were were kissing and having sex, but I am inexperienced with women and didn't know how to make the first move...I digress.

The topic of conversation was which is worse...bad kissing or bad sex?

We disagreed.

The following arguments will be presented without names as I am sure that you will favor me unfairly. Wouldn't you? That's what I thought. Okay, then.

Arguement 1: Bad kissing is worse.
Support: Kissing can occur at any time. It is spontaneous and generally acceptable in public. Kissing is more important because there is more opportunity for kissing to occur. Kissing is romantic. Kisses speak volumes about feelings. Kissing is the way we romantically/sexually connect with people.

Arguement 2: Bad sex is worse.
Support: Bad sex is a waste of time. Sex is essential, while kissing is just obligatory or used as a social greeting/farewell. Bad sex leaves all parties uncomfortable and sweaty as opposed to just uncomfortable as in bad kissing and sweaty is bad. Bad kissing has no excuse, but bad sex can be made up for with gifts such as shoes and such.

Again, I want you to remain impartial. But, I need to know that I am right here.

Thanks for your help.

By the way, what are your credentials anyway?

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Mist 1
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Mist 1,

I love a well thought-out argument on the subject of sex. This topic lends a hand to so many intended puns, jokes, remarks, and humorous events. Yet, when it comes to the subject of which is worst: bad kissing or bad sex? I'd say that my choice would be bad sex.

Reason

The reason why I choose bad sex is because, like you said, kissing can be spontaneously done in public. A man kisses a girl horribly, he can assess the situation, gather up his balls and try again. In the event you have a man who can only pump one out and he's finished, well, you have to try some other time.

You ever notice how a bad kiss can still lead to another date, which could, in fact, be a great date? But have bad sex and the situation becomes awkward. Plus sex leads to all types of uncontrolled emotions. Two friends can kiss and the fire still burns, if it's a great kiss. Two friends can have sex- bad sex at that- and it leads them to feel way too open and vulnerable. They feel like it was a mistake and they could have jeopardized the friendship because of succumbing to lust.

Conclusion

In the end, I'd choose a bad kiss over a bad fu*k any day. We can salvage a friendship after a kiss. But after a sexual encounter gone awry, that's risky busy. Bad sex can cause a relationship to sink like a boat filled with seamen... no pun intended, of course.

Credentials

I've been blogging for about two years. This was the only time I decided to get paid for it. LOL. I also write for a local newspaper. I write about love, relationships, spirituality and religion. I am trying to convince those guys that my own column would be the best thing since sliced bread. But readers are happy with what I shit out now. So I say, "If it aint broke, don't fix it." How do you feel about it? I also went to an arts-based high-school with a focus on analysis, small studies in psychology and I'm a natural-born philosopher. Went to college to take Music Business Managment- far from these subjects, huh? Realized writing and relationship issues are my joy and decided to take Journalism and Creative Writing in college. I learn as much as possible about relationship issues, sex and dating. I've seen a lot and share a lot. But most importantly, I love to receive information as well.

P.S. I love your blog. I read it religiously now. You have inspired me to become way more opinionated with my writing. Thanks for blessing my page with your thoughts (I'm glad someone is. LOL).

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

Creativity. Where Did It Go?

I have the worst writer's block you could think of. I had 5 articles to pump out this weekend and when I finally approached the final article, my brain went blank. It's like all thought, creativity and drive flew the co-op or something. Where did it all go?

As I sit here typing away, I ask myself, "Why didn't you take a pee when you were at the house?" I say this because I'm doing the pee-pee dance on a stoll at the university library. Yes, how pathetic. I'm doing the pee-pee dance with an empty brain and balled up words, metaphors, prose, verbs, nouns, adjectives and may other writer's tools wanting to be used, but unfortunately are not being used (what a long ass sentence?).

Creativity.

That's the key to keeping any good "thing" strong and prosperous. How many people do you know give up on an idea or an individual because they got bored all of a sudden? Wouldn't it be easier to find a way to bring passion back into the relationship? I'm like, if you're bored with ballet dancing, take up break dancing; If you hate writing poems, write a short story; and if you're bored with your mate, find a way to bring back the romance that sparked the flame in your belly and made you fall in love in the first place (another long ass sentence, huh?).

Creativity.

I do need to find it.

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!